THE BORROWED BOOK
by Joel-Gomes
Summary: Follower to THE COMPUTER. Due to his forced agreement with his boss, George is trying to set him up with his girlfriend. meanwhile, Jerry has a book to return and Elaine is dating a masseuse. Not my best fic so far, but please r&r anyway.


THE BORROWED BOOK  
  
  
  
  
  
A Seinfeld Fan Fiction script  
  
  
  
By  
  
  
  
Joel Gomes  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
May 2003  
  
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT  
  
  
  
JERRY IS ON STAGE.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I like wireless headphones. I really love 'em. They're so much better than the regular ones, y'know? You walk around the house without worrying about the wire's length; you can even sleep with them without waking up to find yourself hanged.  
  
Of course, the only problem about the wireless phones is still comfort. They solved security, but there's still a big distance before we reach comfort.  
  
You know those really big ones, which make you look like a pilot? I find it very hard to believe that someone is actually capable of sleeping with one of them on without waking up with a sour neck.  
  
What's even stranger is that people use headphones to prevent sound disturbing others. Is the sound so high that they need to use headphones? If so, how do they manage to sleep with all the noise? Put earplugs under the headphones?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. MONK'S. DAY  
  
  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. GEORGE IS LOST WITH HIS THOUGHTS.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What's on your mind?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
You know. The usual.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You mean, nothing?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm still thinking about what Mr. Smith told me.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
About you fixing him up with your girlfriend?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Did he give you a deadline?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
No. But it's been almost two weeks since the deal. Sooner or later I'll be the one who's gonna be dead.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(SMILES)  
  
How did you get yourself into this?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I was... myself.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You shouldn't have been you. Have you told Monica anything?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not yet. I only met her two days ago.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm sure she'll understand once you tell her you want her to sex with your boss.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
She is dating me.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
That's my point.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Remember Richard James?  
  
  
  
JERRY NODS.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I saw him last night.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Did you talk to him?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
No. I saw him from the cab.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
It's a good thing you've mentioned him though. I have to return him his book.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What book?  
  
JERRY  
  
Don't remember.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You didn't read it?  
  
JERRY  
  
I said I don't remember.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You didn't remember reading or you don't remember what you read?  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't remember what I read.   
  
  
  
KRAMER BURSTS IN AND JOINS THEM. HE'S VERY NERVOUS.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Whatsa matter?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
I was robbed!  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What? How?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
They got in my place last night and took all my stuff!  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What stuff? You don't have your stuff, you have my stuff! They took my stuff!  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
What am I gonna do now, Jerry?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What about that alarm you installed?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
It was off.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
What d'you want an alarm for, if you keep it off?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
So that I can sleep. That thing has a motion detector that reaches almost six feet. All it takes is Jerry coming to his door in the middle of the night and...  
  
(SNAPS)  
  
Bing!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Bing?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I never heard a bing.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Because I keep the alarm off.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
So you keep the alarm off just because of that?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
How am I supposed to sleep?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Is the sleep more important to you than being robbed?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well... yeah.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
But sleep can be recovered. But my stuff can't. See what I'm saying?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
No.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(WINKS TO JERRY)  
  
Why don't you buy a silent alarm?  
  
  
  
JERRY GETS THE TRICK AND GOES ALONG.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Maybe because, he can't hear it.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
No no no. I saw it once on a catalog. It comes with a set of headphones so we don't bother anybody.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
It's a great deal, if you wanna hang yourself to death.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
At least, you won't be bothered if you're robbed.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. INFOSYS. LOBBBY. DAY  
  
  
  
GEORGE IS WALKING TO HIS OFFICE AND ALMOST BUMPS INTO MR. SMITH.  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
George!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
M-Mr. Smith. Hi!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
So what about our little arrangement, George? I hope it will be worth the waiting.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
It will be, Mr. Smith. That I promise.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT  
  
  
  
GEORGE IS HAVING DINNER WITH MONICA, A BEAUTIFUL BRUNETTE. IT'S A ROMANTIC DINNER, WITH CANDLES AND SOFT MUSIC.  
  
  
  
GEORGE IS TRYING TO MAKE HER LAUGH, BUT TO EVERY LITTLE JOKE HE TELLS, SHE JUST GRINS.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
You know... I have to tell you this. I'm not very fond of this "candle-light dinner" thing. I mean,   
  
(LAUGHS)  
  
do they make this so that we can't see what we're eating? I'm not sure if this is really meat or just something that tastes like it.  
  
  
  
GEORGE'S EFFORTS SLOWLY DIE AWAY AS HE REALIZES THE EXPRESSION ON MONICA'S FACE.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. MONK'S. DAY  
  
  
  
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I had dinner with Monica last night. Romantic thing, y'know? Candlelight and all that stuff... I tried to set a nice mood. Tried to be funny.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
And?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I would have gotten a better result if I had taken her out to the filthiest hot-dog stand in the world and read the results from the stock market from two days ago.  
  
(BITES HIS SANDWICH)  
  
She's a grinner. Plain and simple.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
A grinner, hey?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. Every time I said something she just grinned.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I find that very entertaining.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Tell me something, Jerry.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Do you think I'm annoying?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You want an honest answer?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yes.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Then I'd have to say... yes.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
What happened to dishonesty?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You should ask yourself that question.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
There is one good thing about all this thing though.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
And that is?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I will have no remorse after I set her up with Mr. Smith.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What makes you think you would have any remorse if she was someone nicer?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Nothing. It's just that I like to have a clear conscience on this.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What makes you think you have a conscience?  
  
ELAINE COMES IN A JOYFULL MOOD.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hello!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hi.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, well, well! Someone is in a good mood today!  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
You have no idea!  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What happened to your neck?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Some guy fixed it.  
  
JERRY  
  
"Some guy"?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah. I was walking home last night and I was complaining about my neck and this guy just came out from behind me and started rubbing it.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
He came from behind you, rubbed your neck and then what?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
I asked him his name.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Why doesn't that surprise me?  
  
  
  
KRAMER ENTERS AND SITS.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Did you get yourself a new alarm?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
No. I'm looking for something else.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why do you want an alarm for? You have nothing worth stealing.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Except my stuff and they took that last night.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
(TO KRAMER)  
  
Oh Kramer! I'm so sorry!   
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Why are you sorry for him? Most of the stolen stuff were mine.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's okay, Elaine. George, think you can help me out?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Help you with what?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
I need to know where I can find one of those silent alarms.  
  
  
  
GEORGE IS QUIET FOR A FEW SECONDS.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, you're his neighbor. Please explain it to him.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Explain to me what?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What George and I said about the silent alarm was a just a comic relief. A joke. A prank.   
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
You mean they don't exist?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Not that I'm aware off.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, since you're not aware of everything, isn't it possible that something like that might actually exists?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
And you're gonna look for it, right?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
You bet!  
  
(GETS UP)  
  
I'll see ya! Giddy up!  
  
  
  
KRAMER LEAVES.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Sometimes I think that being his neighbor doesn't put me in a better position to understand him.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I think that not even him understands himself.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT  
  
  
  
GEORGE AND MONICA ARE HAVING DINNER. GEORGE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH NERVOUSLY.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(THINKING)  
  
Where the hell is he?  
  
  
  
MONICA  
  
George? Is everything alright?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(SNORTS)  
  
Fine. Just peachy!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(THINKING)  
  
"Peachy"? What kind of remark was that? Oh God! Please make him hurry!  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH ENTERS THE RESTAURANT AND APPROACHES THE TABLE WHERE GEORGE AND MONICA ARE SITTING.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(THINKING)  
  
Finally!  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
Good evening, George.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Mr. Smith! What're you doing here?  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
Having dinner, what else?  
  
  
  
MONICA  
  
Care to join us?  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
(SITTING NEXT TO MONICA)  
  
Of course not!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh! What happened to my manners? Monica, this is my boss, Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith, this is my girlfriend, Monica.  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
(KISSES HER KNUCKLES)  
  
Enchanté.  
  
  
  
MONICA  
  
(GIGGLES)  
  
Thank you Mr. Smith.  
  
  
  
GEORGE GRINS AND TAKES A SIP FROM HIS DRINK.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(THINKING)  
  
What a slut.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. STREET. DAY  
  
  
  
JERRY IS WALKING WITH A BOOK UNDER HIS ARMS WHEN HE BUMPS INTO A MAN LOOKING LIKE A PUNK FROM THE SIXTIES.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh! I'm sorry!  
  
  
  
JERRY TRIES TO LEAVE BUT THE CHARACTER SEEMS TO RECOGNIZE HIM.  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
Jerry?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Richard? Richard James? Is that you?  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
Yes. It's my new look.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh! It's very... uh...  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
What are you doing here?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I-I-I just...  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
You still have my book, haven't you?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. Actually, I have it right here with me.  
  
  
  
JERRY SHOWS THE BOOK TO RICHARD.  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
What are you doing with me book?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I... er... was looking for you. Someone told me you use to hang out around here-  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
Who told you that?  
  
  
  
JERRY (CONT'D)  
  
so I decided to come here and bring the book with me and see if I could find you.  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
You were gonna borrow the book?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
No! Of course not!  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
Someone returned it to you now, then?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
No!  
  
(GIVES RICHARD THE BOOK)  
  
Here's your book.  
  
  
  
RICHARD FLIPS THE BOOK.  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
There are pages missing here. Where's the index?  
  
(GIVES THE BOOK BACK TO JERRY)  
  
This is not my book.  
  
  
  
JERRY GRINS.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY  
  
  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WATCHING TV. JERRY CLICS THROUGH ALL THE CHANNELS.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
He found out that you've been borrowing his book to everybody?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. I mean, that wasn't his real book anyway.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
What happened to it then?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. I lent it to someone and that someone lost it. I had no option but to go to the flea market and buy another one.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Flea market is very resourceful. I introduced Monica to Mr. Smith last night. It's only a matter of time.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I've never seen anyone this happy for being cheated.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
You're right! I'm being cheated!   
  
JERRY  
  
It's like they say, realization is a bitch.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What did Richard tell about the book?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
He asked me who borrowed it.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
You didn't tell him about me, did you?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't think so. Why?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Okay. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to call Richard and tell him that your house was robbed and that someone switched the book. Got it?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Why would I do that?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Because I'm asking you to. As a friend. Please?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Wait a minute!   
  
(GETS UP AND POINT TO GEORGE INQUISITELY)  
  
It was you! You lost the book, didn't you?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Please, Jerry! You can't tell him the truth! If you do I'll be as good as dead.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
That's not a good thing.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, it's not. So, will you help me?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What makes you think he's gonna believe it?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't know. You're an actor. Act.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm not an actor. I'm a comedian. There's a difference.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's all about pretending.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Why don't you tell him, then?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, please!  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright! I'll call him.  
  
  
  
JERRY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS. WITHOUT GEORGE NOTICING, JERRY CLICKS THE BUTTON.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Hello? Richard? This is Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Look, I wanted to tell you about your book. Yes, I mean, no. You see, what happened was that my house was robbed a couple of weeks ago and the burglars switched the books. Yes. It happened so long ago I completely forgot it. Uh uh. You wanna know why? Just a second, okay?  
  
(TO GEORGE)  
  
He wants to know why the burglars switched the books.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Tell him you don't know.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I don't know. Because I thought you wouldn't believe if I told you. You do? Really? That's great! Yeah... Alright. Thank you. I'll see you.   
  
(HANGS UP)  
  
I can't believe it!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
What did I tell you?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Why didn't you want him to find out about you losing his book? You're scared of him?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Come on! You saw the way he looks now. You're telling me I'm not supposed to be scared? He must be "Psycho" Richard or something.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Ah! So you're scared because of his nickname?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
The nickname is my idea. And besides, it's not that. I just don't wanna be the one to confirm if the nickname fits.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You are scared.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, I'm not.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Let's see about that.  
  
  
  
JERRY GRABS THE PHONE.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(DIALING)  
  
I'm gonna call Richard and I'm gonna tell him the truth.  
  
  
  
GEORGE PANICS. HE KNEELS BEFORE JERRY AND STARTS TO KISS THE FLOOR AT JERRY'S FEET.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry! Please! Don't do it! Please! I'll do anything you want!  
  
  
  
JERRY SMILES AND PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright...  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. MONK'. DAY  
  
  
  
THE GROUP IS HAVING LUNCH.  
  
  
  
KRAMER WIPES HIS MOUTH AND GETS UP.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
I guess I'll be running now. I found a place that sells silent alarms.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
No kidding?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah. They're gonna install it today.  
  
  
  
KRAMER LEAVES.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
That ought to be an improvement.  
  
(TO GEORGE)  
  
Salt! Quick!  
  
  
  
GEORGE PASSES THE SALT TO JERRY.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What about you, Elaine?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
What about me?  
  
  
  
JERRY   
  
How are things with your personal masseuse?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ah! Don't even tell me about it! I'm in a dilemma, Jerry!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
What's the matter?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(SLAPS GEORGE'S HEAD)  
  
Quiet!   
  
(TO ELAINE)  
  
What's the matter?  
  
  
  
ELAINE IS INTRIGUED BY THE SITUATION BUT DOESN'T SAY A THING.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
It's him. I mean, he's very nice and everything and he's doing wonders with my neck but there's something weird about him. I don't know what it is. It kinda freaks me out.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You're afraid of him?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
It's nothing like that. But, whatever it is, I'm not staying with him any longer.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You're gonna break up with him based on a hunch?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
It's not a hunch. Men have hunches. Women have instincts.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Like animals.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
(GRINS)  
  
Funny. Very funny.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
What about your neck?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
What about it? My neck is fine. I don't need his hands anymore.  
  
  
  
ELAINE BITES HER SANDWICH.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
You sound very insensitive when you talk like that.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
(MOUTH FULL)  
  
I know.  
  
  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE FINISH EATING AND GET UP.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Let's go.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wait! I haven't finished yet!  
  
  
  
JERRY TAKES THE SANDWICH FROM GEORGE'S HAND AND PUTS IT IN THE TRASH.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Now you're finished. Pay the check, will ya?   
  
  
  
GEORGE GIVES JERRY A DISDAINFUL LOOK BEFORE REACHING FOR HIS WALLET AND PUTTING A NOTE ON THE TABLE. HE GETS UP AND FOLLOWS JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT  
  
  
  
JERRY IS WATCHING TV. ON A SMALL TABLE NEXT TO JERRY STANDS A ONCE FILLED GLASS.   
  
  
  
JERRY GRABS THE GLASS AND YELLS OUT.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
George! My juice is over!  
  
  
  
GEORGE (O. S.)  
  
Coming!  
  
  
  
GEORGE COMES OUT FROM THE BATHROOM WITH A RAG ON HIS HEAD.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
George!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Coming!  
  
  
  
GEORGE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES A BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE FROM THE REFRIGERATOR. HE THEN PROCEEDS TO REFILL JERRY'S GLASS. AFTER HE'S FINISHED HE RETURNS THE BOTTLE TO ITS ORIGINAL POSITION.  
  
  
  
GEORGE   
  
Will that be all?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Yes. You can go back to your clearing now.  
  
  
  
GEORGE WALKS BACK TO THE BATHROOM.   
  
  
  
KRAMER SLIDES IN WITH A STRANGE MACHINE IN HIS HANDS.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, here it is.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, let me see it.  
  
  
  
KRAMER PUTS THE MACHINE ON THE TABLE AND OPENS IT.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
What d'you think?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(GRABS TWO PIECES OF WIRE)  
  
I think it's broken. There's no way you're gonna listen to the alarm with this thing.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's the idea.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
But... Oh! Never mind...  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
(GRABS THE BOX AND GOES TO THE DOOR)  
  
I'll see you tomorrow. I'm gonna try this out.  
  
  
  
KRAMER EXITS.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT  
  
  
  
ELAINE AND CHRIS ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. HE TRIES TO FLIRT WITH HER BUT SHE BACKS OUT.   
  
  
  
CHRIS  
  
What's the matter?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Chris, there's something I need to tell you.  
  
  
  
CHRIS  
  
What? Tell me straight. I can handle it.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Are you sure?  
  
  
  
CHRIS  
  
Absolutely. It will make things easier.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh! Okay. If that's what you want. We're through. I appreciate very much what you did with my neck but, to tell you the truth, you disturb me.  
  
  
  
CHRIS  
  
(HOLDING TEARS)  
  
So that's it? I was nothing but a useful resource to erase your pain?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
(PUTS HER HAND ON CHRIS' SHOULDER)  
  
Chris, I...  
  
  
  
CHRIS  
  
(TAPS HER HAND AWAY)  
  
No. Stay away from me.  
  
(GETS UP)  
  
You're gonna regret this, Elaine. When you least expect it you'll be the one needing me and then I'll the be one to say no.   
  
(WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT)  
  
Goodbye, Elaine.  
  
  
  
CHRIS EXITS THE APARTMENT.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. KRAMER'S BEDROOM. NIGHT  
  
  
  
KRAMER IS SLEEPING. WE SEE THE NEW ALARM STANDING ON THE NIGHT TABLE.   
  
  
  
THE DOOR OPENS A MAN WITH A SKY MASK COMES IN AND GRABS THE ALARM.   
  
  
  
HE EXITS THE BEDROOM WITHOUT MAKING THE SLIGHTEST SOUND.  
  
  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. MOTEL BEDROOM. NIGHT  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH AND MONICA ARE LYING SIDE BY SIDE.  
  
  
  
MONICA  
  
Wow! That was so great!  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
I'm really glad you liked it.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. INFOSYS. MAIN HALL. DAY  
  
  
  
GEORGE WALKS TOWARDS HIS OFFICE. MR. SMITH SEES HIM AND WALKS TO HIM JUST BEFORE GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR.  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
George!  
  
  
  
GEORGE   
  
(THINKING)  
  
Now what?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Mr. Smith! How are you this morning?  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
Sleepy. Something kept me up last night.  
  
(NUDGES HIM)  
  
If you know what I mean. I must thank you for that.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(THINKING)  
  
"Oh please..."  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
No need to, Mr. Smith. In fact, if you enjoyed it so much, I'm gonna let you keep it.  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
George, that wouldn't be fair.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
What wouldn't be fair is you denying me this favor. You've been so nice to me, I think you deserve something like this in return.  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
I-I don't know what to say. I...  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(PUTS HIS HAND ON MR. SMITH'S SHOULDER)  
  
Just promise me this...  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
What?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Promise me you will make her happy.  
  
  
  
MR. SMITH  
  
I promise.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something requiring my most immediate attention.  
  
  
  
GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS HIS OFFICE.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. MONK'S. DAY  
  
  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH. ELAINE COMES IN, WITH A VERY PAINFUL NECK, AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, it seems that dumping the masseuse wasn't such a wise thing to do after all.   
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
How could this happen? It's even worse than before! I think he put a timer on my neck.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
A what?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
A timer. I hadn't thought about it until now but I remember that he would always make the massages at a very specific time.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Are you listening to what you're saying? No one puts timers on necks.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Can you think of something else?  
  
  
  
KRAMER COMES IN AND JOINS THEM.   
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Did you test your alarm?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah, I tested it.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
And?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Someone stole it while I was sleeping.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(CHUCKLES)  
  
I told you it wouldn't work.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
But it worked, Jerry. It worked just fine. It didn't wake me up.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Because it wasn't there. And even if it was there, even if it hadn't been stolen, it still wouldn't wake you up.  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, one way or the other, I slept like a baby.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
(TO KRAMER)  
  
What are you going to do now?  
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
I don't know. I think I'm gonna buy a new locker instead.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Um... Jerry?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(SHARPLY)  
  
What?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I need to make a phone call. May I be excused for a few moments?  
  
  
  
JERRY EYES GEORGE INTENSIVELY. ELAINE AND KRAMER WATCH THIS AWKWARD MOMENT.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Who're you gonna call?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
My boss. I just remembered something that I must speak to him at once.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Can't it wait?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
No. It's very urgent. Please, Jerry.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Very well. You have sixty seconds. Don't waste them.  
  
  
  
GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE PAYPHONE.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
You told me I was insensitive. Well, what are you then?   
  
  
  
KRAMER  
  
What the hell is going on between you two?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Just a prank.  
  
  
  
GEORGE RETURNS.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I need to go now. Mr. Smith is expecting me. Will that be okay with you?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
That's gonna cost you something.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Please, Jerry. I'll make it up for you later.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
I know you will. Fine. You can go to your appointment.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Thank you, Jerry!   
  
(SHAKES JERRY'S HAND)  
  
Thank you so much!  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Stop that! You're annoying me!  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to...!  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
Forget it! Just go. Before I change my mind.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Of course.  
  
  
  
GEORGE LEAVES.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(BITES HIS SANDWICH)  
  
Some people just don't know where their place is.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
EXT. STREET. DAY  
  
  
  
GEORGE IS WAITING AT A STREET CORNER. RICHARD SHOWS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS HIM.  
  
  
  
GEORGE TRIES TO SURPASS HIS URGE TO GET AWAY.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
Richard! Hi! I'm so glad you could make it!  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
What is all this about?   
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I-I...  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
Hurry! I don't have time to waste.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's about what Jerry told you when he called about your book.  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
What call? What're you talking about? Jerry never called me.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
You know what? I think I've mistaken you for someone else!   
  
(SNORTS)  
  
How stupid of me! Forget what I said.  
  
(STARTS TO WALK AWAY)  
  
It was great to see you though.  
  
  
  
RICHARD  
  
(GRABS GEORGE BY THE COLLAR)  
  
Not so fast! You've mentioned my book. What do you know about my book?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(GASPING FOR AIR)  
  
What d'you want to know?  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY  
  
  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
So, he turned off the timer or what?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
Reluctantly, yes. The pain is gone. For now.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(LAUGHS)  
  
Well, I couldn't be happier for you. Just think. Your own private masseuse. Quite exquisite, if you ask me. Now tell me, he didn't come back easy, did he?  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
No. I had to beg him for more than thirty minutes. And then he insisted on us having reconciliation sex.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
That must've been so hard.  
  
  
  
GEORGE ENTERS. HIS HAIR IS IN A MESS. HIS CLOTHES ARE RUINED. THE FURY IN HIS EYES IS ALMOST TANGIBLE.  
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
What happened to you?  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
I had a talk with our friend Richard a few minutes ago.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
(LAUGHS)  
  
I'm very sorry about this George. I was just kidding around, y'know? You shouldn't take it so personally.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
You. Made. Me. Beg! I kneeled before you! I cleaned you toilet! I've been your maid and financial provider for the past three days and you're telling that you were just kidding around? That I shouldn't have to take it so personally?!   
  
  
  
ELAINE  
  
There's nothing wrong in begging. It did wonders to me.  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
At least, now we know something about Richard.  
  
  
  
GEORGE  
  
(MORE CALM)  
  
What is that?  
  
  
  
JERRY  
  
That nickname you gave him, suits him just fine.  
  
  
  
GEORGE   
  
(SITS ON THE SOFA AND RELAXES)  
  
Tell me about it.  
  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT  
  
  
  
JERRY IS ON STAGE.  
  
JERRY  
  
Have you ever noticed the tendency some people have of buying encyclopedias? They're not to read, their sole purpose is... filling shelves. That's what they're good for. Making some good impression on houseguests. Make them think we actually know what's in them, besides the cover.  
  
(YAWNS)  
  
"Yes, as you can see, we like to read a bit. I take these ones to the bathroom. I called them soft-reading."  
  
Some women use encyclopedias like some sort of sexual approach. It's true. Imagine that you're man, you're in a bar and some woman comes over to you and says:   
  
"Pielonefritis can be sharp, under the form of a sudden attack, or inherited, in which repeated or badly treated attacks can cause permanent scars on the kidney."  
  
What can a man say to something like that?  
  
"Your place or mine?"  
  
THE END 


End file.
